This party don't get paid for with money, honey boy.
This is the party you don't come home from.
(SCREAMING)
Gianni is, like, into gangsters.
Breaking people's legs and throwing acid...
Nine-tenths of that is pure fabrication.
They're going to kill me.
ROCKFORD: Just hang on. Hill Street's up here.
Who cares what street? We're all gonna die!
(PHONE RINGING)
ROCKFORD ON ANSWERING MACHINE: : This is Jim Rockford.
At the tone, leave your name and message.
I'll get back to you.
(BEEPS) MAN: : Here's the tally, Jimbo.
You had Atlanta at even money, tough break,
and you got bombed with the Duke-Wake Forest fiasco,
and you split the quinella at Holly Park.
So you owe the book $4:50: Anytime before Friday, huh, buddy?
(PHONE RINGING)
ROCKFORD: Okay, okay. Hold your socks.
Yeah?
Okay, I'm on. Who is it?
MAN: : Go outside, Jay. Look in the yard.
Your dog is dead.
What are you talking about?
You got 12 hours, then you and that Lansing girl are next.
(DIAL TONE DRONING)
That's great.
(PHONE RINGS)
Robbery.
Hey, Billings, is Becker around?
One moment. No, he's on his dinner break.
Come on, I'm sure I could be of some small service.
Ah, no. That's okay, Lieutenant. Thank you, thank you.
No, no, no. Come on now, Rockford, give me a break, will you?
I mean, for weeks... No, no, months...
No, years... I've been looking forward
to helping you with some of your police work.
I'll come back. No, you know what I mean, Jimbo.
Well, that's what Becker calls you, isn't it?
Jimbo like in bimbo? Look, Lieutenant...
No, I see you coming in here all the time
using the telephone, eating the donuts.
And I understand you're really a swell guy.
So I want to be able to help you.
I mean, because this department is here to service the public
and, let's face it, Jimbo, after all, you're a taxpayer.
So, how about if I put a five-man squad out into the field
to sniff around for you or maybe a special weapons team.
Why do you waste this act on the swing shift, Lieutenant?
Why don't we run right over to the Tonight Show
and let Carson have a look at it?
(WOMAN LAUGHING) Was there something else?
Yeah, in your office, maybe.
No, no. Here. Let's talk here.
All right.
I got a call tonight in my trailer.
A guys says, "Jay, look outside. Your dog is dead.
"You got 12 hours and you and the Lansing girl are next."
And he hung up.
Hmm. Well, you want the Department of Animal Husbandry
or maybe the Humane Society.
Come on, Chapman, does this keep coming?
Or are you really just a giant bag of gas in a three-piece suit?
Is this a bus station?
You're all waiting for the 9:15 to Fresno, hmm?
Or maybe you got work to do?
Okay. Big case, huh?
You'll probably have Becker running all over hell's half-acre,
down to the phone company, checking locked circuits, tracing numbers,
running units to the half-dozen possibilities. Something like that?
Right, right. Plus a name, Lansing.
All right. Lansing.
Well, there's got to be at least 200 of them in LA.
So, what do we come out of this with? A dead dog maybe.
Or maybe we just get lucky and we turn up a guy
with a glassy grin or a lampshade on his head.
Billings, put Mr. Rockford on a skateboard
and give him a push toward the sidewalk. Jimbo.
We'll be right back after this brief commercial announcement.
ROCKFORD: I drove straight through from Denver.
I've been up 24 hours straight and now this.
I went down to the police station, I told Chapman.
ROCKY: Who? I guess I made his day.
He's still doubled up with laughter.
Well, I don't see what you can do about it.
(SIGHING) I don't know.
It must have been a wrong number or something.
You know, the thing that bothers me is that
I intercepted the call so this guy Jay, whoever he is,
didn't get the message. And he and the Lansing girl
are walking around unaware that they're about to get smoked.
What can I do?
Nothing except maybe say a prayer.
Yeah. I guess so.
Oh, well. How did it go while I was in Denver?
Oh, good, good. Maybe not so good.
You know, I paid them Shaunassy brothers $400 to plant me a new front lawn.
It looks to me like the darn thing's dying.
Oh, no
I called him back. He's got one of those answer phones like you got.
But, well, it's so frustrating.
He will not call me back. I can't get through to him.
Well, there may be one way.
You know, that's why I come over here.
I thought... I thought maybe that you'd call him.
He'd probably answer your call.
I got his number right here.
What are you doing? I said, I got Shaunassy's number right here.
Rockfelt, Israel. Rockfelt, Jay.
Rockford, James. Huh?
Yeah, yeah. The guy's name is Jay.
Whoever called Jay got the wrong number, called me by mistake.
The guy they wanted was Jay Rockfelt.
That is really good, sonny. How come you think of that?
Just a smart cookie, Pop.
(RINGING)
What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
You ain't going over there now?
I mean, that could be dangerous.
Go out there? To Jay Rockfelt's
at 10735, Tigertail Road, in Hollywood?
Yeah, over there. Don't go there.
Me, go over there? Absolutely out of the question. No chance.
(DOG WHINING)
Ah, hey, guy. Got you, didn't he?
Oh, come on, boy.
All right, good baby.
Yeah, okay? Okay, sweetheart. Yeah.
Bring him right in here.
Put him down there. Thank you for opening up.
It's all right. The doctor's on his way down now.
I think he's been poisoned. Stay, stay.
Let me see here. Let me see here.
Why do you think it's poison?
Well, it's a long story, but I'm pretty sure.
Is he your dog? No, no.
We have to have authorization from the owner in order to work on him.
Oh, he's my dog. I was just kidding.
You're sure... His name is Chapman.
You're sure it's poison? Yeah. Pretty sure.
We can empty his stomach. There's a form on the desk out there. Fill it out.
Look, I've... I've got something I have to attend to.
I'll fill out the form and then I've got to go.
But I'll get back to you, all right?
He's not your dog, is he?
No, no. But I'll pay for him. Okay?
Okay. I'll say he's your dog so doctor will work on him.
Oh, thanks. I'll be in touch. Okay.
He's all right. That's it.
Is that the chick?
Yeah, that's Carol.
All right, listen. If she starts screaming,
let's shut her up quick. All right?
All right. Let's go.
Oh, no. No. No!
(SCREAMING)
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
No!
MAN: Shut up or your friends ain't gonna recognize you.
Hey! Hey!
Help! Somebody call the police!
Leave him alone. Leave him alone. Go away.
Put that rake down, lady, or you're dead.
Hey, what's going on over there?
Mary, call the cops.
Let's get out of here.
Dear God.
I was about to say something in the same vein.
Oh, listen, thank you for stopping. If you hadn't have...
Do you know those men? No, uh-uh.
But I'm sure they're the ones the police are looking for.
Because there's been a while string of burglaries in this area.
Jay told me to be careful. Is that Jay Rockfelt?
Yeah. Your name must be Lansing then, right?
Oh, no. You're somebody Dwayne sent from Carbondale, I bet.
You tell him I like it here. I want to stay in this city.
I live in Malibu. My name is Jim Rockford.
My name is one under Mr. Rockfelt's in the phone book
and I got a call that was meant for him.
Somebody transposed numbers.
Huh? Well, was it important or what?
I think I ought to talk to Mr. Rockfelt. Do you know where I can find him?
Well, yes. He's at the Paris at Dawn party at Keith's house.
Which is where I'm supposed to be myself right now.
But... Oh, gross.
Jay is going to have a seizure about this.
He always insists that I'm supposed to look good.
Yeah, well, there's going to be a lot more ripped around here besides pantyhose
if I don't get a chance to warn Mr. Rockfelt.
You think you can show me where this Keith's house is?
Warn him? Hey, what are you talking about?
There must be some kind of mistake.
Oh, yeah. Those two creeps were all over you like a bad smell.
The dog's at the vet's. What kind of mistake could it be?
Oh, it's weird. Jay has nothing but friends.
I've never seen anything like his charisma.
I know. Oh, yeah, I know.
A lot of Jay's friends have a really campy senses of humor.
This is some kind of gag.
Yeah, the dog was gagging when I found him.
Thank you for taking care of Romanoff.
Jay loves that animal so.
He says that he and Romanoff were both rulers in Russia in another lifetime.
A spiritualist told him.
Jay is going to be very appreciative of what you've done.
Carbondale. Is that in Pennsylvania?
I grew up there and I still really don't know where it is.
Which I guess means it isn't any place.
This Christmas I went to a party at Keith Stuart's actual house.
And tonight I'm going again.
Except the sun's gonna be up pretty soon. We'll probably miss the bus.
What's with the bus?
It's for the Paris at Dawn party.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
CAROL: Looks like Jack's been and gone.
ROCKFORD: Jack? Nicholson?
No, he's in Europe. Jack Cheng.
He's this great acupuncturist and he knows acupressure massage.
'Cause you seem kind of stiff after that fight and I thought he might be able to help.
MAN: One...
Oh, there's Keith.
...two, three, go.
(SCREAMING)
Come on, let's go!
Keith? Keith? Hi. Where's Jay?
What did you do to your leg?
It's too complicated to explain. Where's Jay?
He's on the...
(LA MARSEILLAISE PLAYING)
All right, everybody.
If your ballot slip isn't in the box, it should be.
The drawing will be in five minutes.
You all heard the lady. Anyone who wants a chance at Paris better shake it.
Allons enfants de la patrie, and all that rot.
Keith...
Oh, on the bus. On the bus. Getting the bleeding bar ready.
Oh. Hey, he's very anxious about you.
Oh, okay.
He's on the bus.
All right, everybody get your ballot slips in.
Come on, Paris or le bust.
We need more ice. What are you thinking of?
Jay?
Well, why don't you show up late...
Carol, what happened to your leg? You're a mess.
Two men attacked me in front of your house, Jay.
What? Tell me you're kidding, Carol.
It's true, Mr. Rockfelt.
Are you from the police?
Because, you know, the bus is leaving in about half an hour...
No, no...
...if I have to fill out a report of some kind...
I'm not from the police. Your dog has been poisoned.
Romanoff? Is he dead?
No.
What is all this?
He's going to be all right, Jay. Mr. Rockford took him to the vet's.
What can I say?
You could say thank you, Jay.
Well, of course, that's what I meant, Carol.
It's just that I have been up all night partying and I'm wiped.
Look, Mr. Rockfelt, I got a telephone call that was meant for you.
A guy says that your dog is dead, he threatened you and Carol.
Now there were two guys who looked like pros
who were going to work her over.
What's this whole thing all about?
Carol. The bag.
I forgot.
What's the bad news? I've got bubonic plague?
Oh, Jay, I'm so sorry. I got rattled over those men.
I must have left it on the lawn.
Damn it, I needed it. I really needed it.
I just asked you to do one thing for me when you stopped off at the house.
Just one thing.
I thought the dog would be the bad news.
Well, of course. That's... That's not what I meant.
Look, all this stuff you're talking about, it's all handle-able.
Or it would have been if I just had a little bit more time.
Which I would have had if a certain someone
had not left a brown bag on the lawn.
Carol, we would have been the couple who won the drawing.
We would have been going to Paris.
I had it all worked out with Janique.
She was going to call my name no matter which name she drew.
A fix? At the Paris at Dawn party?
Another myth shattered.
What was in the bag, Jay?
That neat little antique derringer Marissa gave me for Valentine's Day.
Janique wanted to wear it to the Grammy Awards.
Oh, wow.
The winners of a week at the Plaza Athenee are
Tim Trabert and Stephie Coombs.
Look, I'll take care of my own problem.
Two steam shovels in mohair jackets? You can take care of them?
Yes, already. Well, I sure hope so.
'Cause they're pulling up out front.
They're carrying guns.
So if you want to handle them, you just start handling them.
Jay, what...
Oh, yeah, you're handling them.
Hey, come on out of there.
Come on, open up...
Hey, what's going on here? Stay out of here, buddy.
Hey! Wait a minute!
Hey! Hey!
Jay! Jay!
They're going to kill me.
I didn't know he'd get this mad.
I've got to talk to Gianni, explain.
Who's Gianni?
They're still with us. Will you lose them?
Sure, I'll do a 180 and then I'll do a wheelie back up the street.
What are we going to do?
Just hang on. Hill Street's up here.
Who cares what street? We're all gonna die!
I said just hang on.
They're getting away.
You've got about a minute and a half.
I want to know what's going on.
And I'm hot, son, so you get it straight, all right?
Well, I... Well, I suppose it all has to do with Gianni's birthday party.
He's such a Neanderthal, and...
Wait. Who?
Gianni Tedesco. A friend of mine.
He's leasing Jeanette MacDonald's old place.
Anyway, Wednesday was Gianni's birthday,
so I threw this big bash for him down at La Belle Epoch.
You always throw birthday parties for Neanderthals?
Any old excuse.
And I'm giving short shrift to Gianni's good points.
His sense of humor, his campy stories...
That stuff about breaking people's legs
and throwing acid in that man's face?
I thought all that was creepy, Jay.
Oh, nine-tenths of that is pure fabrication. I'm sure.
Gianni is, like, into gangsters, you know?
I mean, he plays a role.
He deals coke.
Which we all gladly snort, so what's the big tzimmes, Carol?
The party. Would you just stick with the party, all right?
Yeah. Well, there was a mix-up in the billing.
You see, I had to leave early to sky down to Puerto Vallarta with Bob and Phyllis
and Gianni got stuck with el tabo.
For his own birthday party?
That must have warmed his cockles. How much?
Thirty thousand.
Three hundred people.
I had this huge ice sculpture made in the shape of the Rolls Royce logo.
That's what Gianni drives. It was wall-to-wall Dom Perignon...
Wait. You mean all this is over the fact that
you stuck some Vegas adagio dancer
with a tab for his own birthday party?
I don't see where any of that can hurt me.
You drop me a postcard. Let me know how it all comes out.
You're not... You're not kicking us out, are you?
You got a bull's-eye, Jay baby. Let me show you the door.
Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. You don't understand.
I don't have the money to cover the tab. I'm busted.
You'll figure out something.
I had to do it. It's my parent's fault. How I hate them.
They cut me off. They cut me off without a penny.
All they've got in their ugly little lives is money.
And they can't come across for one more party. One more.
This is really choice. I knew you were a slug,
but I thought at least you were doing it on your own ticket.
I had you pegged as a big Hollywood producer or actor's agent, you know?
You turn out to be Mommy's little jetsetter.
All Pop talks about is his wretched drapery business.
All she talks about is her colon.
They speak with accents. They make me sick.
Keith Stuart speaks with an accent, Jay.
Butt out, Carol.
They call me Julius. Look at me. Do I look like a Julius?
Out, Julius.
Hey, hey, hey, get physical, why don't you?
Get lost, why don't you?
Are you coming, Carol. 'Cause I'm leaving.
I better go with him.
He didn't say it, so somebody better. Thanks for all your help.
Hey, I'm out of it. For good. Period. That's it.
That's all the thanks I need, Carol.
(PHONE RINGING)
Yeah?
You don't listen, do you? See if this hat has a tighter fit.
ROCKFORD: No, now hold it.
Julius, please do what they say.
Pay them. Please, Julius. Don't let them kill me.
You be at this phone in 10 hours with the money
or your sister comes home on casters.
GIANNI: And if you call the cops, she don't come home at all.
(PHONE CLICKS OFF)
Hey, babe. What bloody time is it?
Hey, look, bube, the reason I'm here this early is...
Why the hell did you take the bleeding bus?
Huh?
The bus, you twit. What for did you take the bus?
I mean, there we all are, left there.
Bloody Stephie and what's-his-face can't even get to bleeding Paris
'cause their bleeding passports are still on the bus.
What's that supposed to be? A big joke then?
Yeah, look, that wasn't me, Keith. It was my friend.
We were wrecked... Oh, yeah?
What's that got to do with taking the bus?
I mean, Stephie's luggage got trod on by the bus wheel. Did you know that?
I've got to pay for that.
Look... Look, I'm sorry.
You're sorry. Great. But at death, who's left holding the sodding baby?
Me.
Look, Keith, the reason I'm here
is that I got myself in kind of a bad place. I need some help.
I mean, what kind of idiot is going to steal a bus and screw up a whole party?
Thirty thousand. Just till the end of the week. I'll be healthy by then.
You look worried.
Oh, I'm sorry, mate.
Here I am shooting me mouth off about a bus, you've got real problems.
Why didn't you speak up sooner?
Don't you worry. I'll take care of it.
Keith Stuart calling Norman Appet.
Hello, Norman.
Yeah.
Yeah. Listen, Dad, I've got a mate of mine here named Jay Rockfelt.
He needs $30,000 to see him into next week.
Yeah.
Well, why don't I put him on and you two can discuss the particulars?
Tell ye olde business manager how to make the check out.
Hey, Norman, yeah. It's Jay Rockfelt.
Yes. Listen, Mr. Rockfelt, as you well know if you know Keith at all,
I mean, he'd really love to lend you that money.
But he can't.
Yeah, but Keith just said...
NORMAN: Don't be mad at him. It's me. I can't allow it.
Because, frankly, he can't afford it.
You see, he's got this 90% tax situation in England
that's almost driving him under.
And you see, well, right now
he couldn't touch any of his money if he wanted to. Do you know what I mean?
Yes, I understand.
It's all set then?
No, I got excuse number 1-A, English tax problems.
Admit it. I was set-up.
You gave him some code word that said give this turkey the brush off.
Look, I understand. They probably put the bite on you twice a day.
Why don't you get it from Bob or Marissa then?
I already tried.
Look, Jay, don't hang the guilt bag on my neck, okay?
Keith, you told Woman's Wear Daily I was one of your closest friends.
It's too early in the morning for this. Santo!
Hey, Keith, look. Look, I'm good for at least part of it, right?
Five grand?
Show Mr. Rockfelt out.
Hey... Andiamo.
Yeah, yeah, I know. Look, Santo, it's me. It's Jay. Jay.
Okay, I'll boogie on down.
He didn't even come by here to pick up his dog?
Oh, I planned on tracing him through your office.
I'm sorry. The guy's a real majorette.
He's really supposed to be attached to that dog.
I mean, after all, he and Romanoff back there
used to rule the Russian peasants.
That's way back before Nicholas. What?
I was driving in from Denver the other day
and I had a real sense of a job well done, you know.
I'm driving along, singing a song,
I rolled down the window, just belted it out.
Then I get home, I get this phone call
and ever since I've felt like Audie Murphy in Six Ways to Sundown.
You're not making much sense, you know that?
Do you mind if I ask you a hypothetical question?
If there was a guy you really disliked,
and he had a sister who you don't even know at all,
and she's in danger of losing her life
if you got involved in something you don't want to get involved in,
and you can't call the police, what would you do?
Is that a trick question?
It has been from last night up to now.
Well, I suppose if this girl was going to lose her life,
I'd have to try and do something.
Well, people die every day.
Airplane crashes, freeways, elevators...
People we don't know. I mean, it happens. Life goes on.
But if you could stop it, you'd have to, wouldn't you?
Yeah, well, I'm very tired. I haven't had much sleep. Does that count?
I just don't know how anybody could walk away from something like that.
It would be almost like killing her, wouldn't it?
Well, thank you. Thank you.
You would have to do absolutely everything you could
in order to try and help her.
Thank you very much. That's all.
You see, I feel that we're all responsible for our fellow man.
And in that responsibility is the opportunity to serve,
and the service is a chance for the soul...
Susan, thank you very much. That's all. Really.
I mean, it was an idle question. I didn't plan to write a paper or anything.
Doctor says you can take Romanoff home tomorrow.
There, you see, things are looking up already.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
CAROL: Who is it?
It's Jim Rockford.
Mr. Rockford? How did you...
I found your parents through Carbondale telephone information.
They told me you had an apartment.
I'm not here very much.
Is Jay here?
No. Please, come on in.
Well, see, two days after I landed in LA,
I went dancing at this private club that some guy wangled me into.
I met Jay. He was playing backgammon.
I never really came back here much after that.
Except for today.
I tried to cheer him up.
I even offered to loan him a few hundred. It's all I have.
All he did was ride me and get nastier and nastier.
We were at this coffee shop and he got me crying,
so I went to the ladies' room to dry off.
I just didn't want to go back to that table.
Carol, Jay's sister has been kidnapped.
Poor Jay. Poor everybody.
I've just about worn out a new set of radials trying to find him.
Do you have any idea where he might have gone?
Uh-uh. Except to Keith's...
I went to Keith's. I went to the Daisy.
I even cruised Rodeo Drive for about a half an hour.
Gianni has given him a 10-hour deadline.
I should have stayed with him. He's really gonna need somebody now.
You know him probably as well as anyone.
Do you think there's a chance he could have gone to his parents' home?
Are you kidding? He hates them. He hates even to talk to them.
Yeah, well, the way I've got him figured, he's just the kind of Jell-O mold
who'd go crying home to Mommy and Daddy
the first time things get rough. No matter what he says about them.
Wow, I don't know.
He said they lived in the Valley. Do you have any idea where?
Oh, and did he ever mention his father's first name?
Irving, I think. And I think he said it was Sherman Oaks.
(KNOCKING)
ROCKFORD: Julius.
Hey, Julius.
(DOORBELL RINGING) Hey, come on. We know you're in there,
we saw you in the window.
Julius!
Ah, come on...
Why didn't you tell me the door was open?
Why didn't you ask?
Do you have any idea where your sister is right now?
Yeah. I have an idea. She's at the university
grinding away at her doctorate in library sciences.
No, no. She is in the back of some warehouse someplace with Gianni Tedesco.
Your friend who's into gangsters
is gonna break her in half because of you.
What? That's right, Jay.
It's just like that neurotic cow to get right in the middle of this thing.
Well, Gianni hangs out with some ugly goons.
Maybe somehow she'll wind up with a husband because of this.
Oh, sure, sure. Maybe she'll end up marrying her physical therapist.
You're going to get her out, Julius.
How, James? How?
Jay, can't you explain the situation to your parents.
They'll understand. They'll give you the money.
Yeah, which I take to Gianni Tedesco who wants to disembowel me.
Forget it.
You'll do it. Or I'm going to plant you in the front lawn.
You don't understand. My parents are not here.
They're taking the first vacation of their lives right now.
You don't believe me?
There's an itinerary on the kitchen table.
They took a Hadassah cruise to Mazatlan.
Where do people like you come from, Rockford? That's my only question.
Just keep it up, Jay. I'm loving every minute of it.
Oh, brother. Look, what she wears to Mexico. The coat and the hat.
Are those your parents?
If she ever gets in Woman's Wear Daily, I'm finished.
What well-known party-giver and bon vivant
has parents who look like they shovel coal for a living?
Did it ever occur to you to buy your mother a coat for Christmas...
No. ...instead of spending all her money on parties...
No. ...for mobsters?
Now, what's this about little Amy?
Mother, Father, good afternoon.
When the fog... They made us land in San Diego
and we had to take the train up,
I kept thinking, "That's it, my daughter is dead."
"Good afternoon," is that what the boy says?
His sister is in the hands of thieves and he says good afternoon
like this was a tea party.
Irv, please, can't you see Julius is upset.
Isn't this priceless?
Will you button it, Jay?
You must be the Mr. Rockford my son told us about on the phone.
That's right. Yes, sir.
It's good to see my son has a friend who cares something more
than just pouring champagne and looking at pornography.
I'm afraid you're gonna have to go to the well one more time, Mr. Rockfelt.
$30,000.
Yeah.
That... That will take me some time.
We'll be in my trailer in Malibu.
That's the number they're going to call.
Here's my phone number and my address.
Soon as you get the money, you contact me there.
Jay and I will be setting up the exchange with Mr. Tedesco.
Hey, wait a minute. You think I'm meeting with that ball of fur, you're nuts.
You're gonna get your sister out of the pool, Jay.
I don't care if you don't like it.
As a matter of fact, I hope you don't.
Can you arrange for your own transportation, sir?
Yeah, yeah.
We'll take a cab.
And remember, we're running short on time.
You're a nice kid, but you're a little quiet.
Hey, Gianni, it's been all day.
You said I could open up at this time.
Who cares what time it is?
Go wash some dishes.
Who cares about 30 grand? Thirty grand to me is bupkis.
What I care about is nobody should treat me like no jerk.
I'm dressed up in my best custom-made stuff,
down on the dance floor with a sweet chick,
dancing up a storm and your brother's up with the restaurant manager
making me look like a pool cue.
So I use you, little girl,
to bring him into range and I give him a brain hemorrhage.
It's tragic, because you're gonna have a traffic accident.
Bad luck runs in families.
I knew this family once, had four deaths in two weeks.
All traffic accidents.
Was a good break for me, though,
I took over a policy business in Jersey.
There was no one else to run it.
Why'd he treat me like this? He's your brother.
Why'd he make me look like a fruit peddler?
Come on, answer me!
(PHONE RINGING)
Remember what I told you.
You got to get him out of his car for three minutes.
Okay, okay. I got you. Hello?
GIANNI: You got the money?
Gianni, look, it was just a joke.
I told you. You can't take a joke?
You like busses, don't you, kid?
Take the money to the bus station downtown.
Be there in 30 minutes. Be next to the gum machine at the 6th Street exit.
And have the money in an airline bag.
Amy. What about Amy?
You think I want a broad with hair all over her lip?
She's yours kid. As soon as you pay for my birthday party.
I told you it was a joke.
You take me grunion hunting in front of 300 people and you call it a joke, huh?
Well, I ain't laughing.
I don't want to go.
I don't blame you.
Good luck.
Pop, I'm scared. Tell him I can't go. Please.
Perhaps I could go in his place.
I don't think it would work, Mr. Rockfelt. They want Jay.
That was the first stipulation.
He can do it. Pop, you can do it, you can.
So, my son, at last you will be paying for one of your parties.
Put the money in the bag.
(THUNDER CLAPPING)
What do we do now?
Oh, I'm just guessing, but I think I have an idea of what he's got on his mind.
What?
He wanted you over by the corridor,
so I think he's going to put you on a bus.
Why?
The first rule in one of these kinds of exchanges
is to isolate the man with the money.
That way it eliminates the possibility of him carrying a police tail.
What are you going to do?
I don't know. But you're going inside. Now, have fun, huh?
Hey, don't leave me alone.
Gianni drives a Rolls Royce, right?
Butter cream with a chocolate top.
Okay, you just do exactly as the man says.
If you don't, I'm going to do you in. Now go. Go on.
Hello, Jay.
Hey, Gianni. Where are we going?
Great suit. I love the suit.
Where are we going? Are we taking a bus? Shut it.
Are we going on one of the busses, huh? Shut it, huh?
Get in.
GIANNI: Drive, my man.
Look, Gianni, I'm sorry about the party. It was a joke.
It was a bad joke. I have the money here for you.
Here, take a look. Don't you want to see?
You just don't get it, do you?
What?
I'm gonna kill you, kid. You and your sister, unfortunately,
'cause there's no other way.
I'm gonna pick her up. I got a rented car.
You and her are going to get tied to the wheel
and make a wrong turn into the river.
No, look, Gianni, you can't do that. That's murder.
Yeah.
Yeah, but why? I have the money for you right here.
Hey, I'm a kid in New York, right?
My pop's an immigrant with no education
and people spit on him, you know?
Yeah? You think your pop's bad, you ought to take a look at mine.
Bad? Bad? My pop was the sweetest man in the world.
They spit on him, but I said nobody is ever gonna spit on me.
So, I'm kind of good-looking, right?
Very, very, very good-looking. A young Paul Newman.
I come to LA to be an actor.
I get in a couple of Presley films, but on-camera I'm strictly wood.
So I meet a couple of people like that Marissa, Bob and Phyllis.
They think I'm kind of cute because I'm mobbed up.
They invite me to parties. But I'm no window shopper, kid, I never was.
I want to fit in with these people just once and really be their friends.
I mean, it's one thing to send your ma and pop pictures with yourself
with Brando and Burton, but it's another to know that they care for you.
You fit in, Gianni. You fit in.
Then you throw me a birthday party.
I go out, I buy new clothes, I get my hair styled.
I can't sleep the night before 'cause everybody's coming.
And what happens?
Yeah, well...
You stick me with my own party.
I wind up Joe Goofball who has to throw himself a birthday party.
Everybody thinks I set the whole thing up myself.
Order a cake with the inscription,
"Happy Birthday, Gianni. You're a swell guy."
What kind of jerk puts that kind of inscription on a cake he buys himself?
My first party and everybody's laughing at me.
It's ruined 'cause of you.
I never been so disgraced in my life
and you're plain gonna have to pay for it.
Yeah, but I am paying for it.
Here, I'm paying for it here.
This party don't get paid for with money, honey boy.
This is the party you don't come home from.
Come on, Jay. Put yourself on the other side. It's crazy.
This is real crazy, Gianni. You don't want to kill me. Not over some stupid party.
This is not the time...
Look, I'll give you another party.
I change the inscription on the cake.
I don't want to die in a rented car. Let's go.
Come on. Let's just go.
This is crazy.
Get in the car.
Gianni, it was just a party.
Boy, I guess he almost died.
Yeah, the vet said another ten minutes, he could've been a goner.
Jay has a lot to thank you for.
Hmm, you can see I'm holding my breath.
What's wrong with him, Jim?
Already he's trying to get back into Keith's good graces
after Keith refused to help him.
You'd think that would be the end of it, but, no,
he's giving a theme party for Keith.
Everybody has to dress up like one of the characters in Keith's albums.
Sounds like a great idea.
Jay is actually going to dress like a dwarf in a helium hat
because that was one of Keith's hit singles.
Sounded very appropriate.
There he is. Thank God.
The vet said somebody paid the bill and took him.
I need him for Keith's party.
Keith had a hit single couple years ago. It was on the dwarf album.
It was called The Streetwalker's Four-Footed Friend.
I'm lending Romanoff to Marissa.
Who's on the hook this time?
You going to stick Black Bart with this one?
I am coming up with the ideas. I am organizing it.
Doctor and Mrs. Caruthers are paying.
And guess who's the guest of honor?
This should appeal to your sense of the absurd.
Your parents.
It was Amy's idea.
Yeah, and I think it's a good one.
High camp, if you ask me. Maybe just crazy enough to get away with it.
Anyway, come on, Romanoff.
I know this is gauche, but if you ever get around to thinking about it,
you know, sometime would you like to just reimburse me for the vet.
It was $135.
Hey, look, if you're trying to gouge me, forget it.
Because I've battled some of Beverly Hills'
most aggressive caterers to a standstill.
Okay, hey, hey, just forget it.
This one's on me. All right? Goodbye.
Are you coming, Carol?
I don't think so, Jay.
Suit yourself. Come on, Romanoff.
Romanoff.
Come on, dog.
(DOG BARKING)
JAY: He bit me. Why would he bite me?
Come here, come here.
Oh, you rascal.